Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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