Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
