i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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