I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I love you. Go after that dick
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
