you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
