hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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