i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize