I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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