She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
