after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
