porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
