3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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