my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
