The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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