do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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