we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize