saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
