I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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