I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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