I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
