I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
