I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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