I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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