Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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