Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
