I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
