I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
