I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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