I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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