maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
