mondays should just be called national damage control day
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize