Your mouth is God's brothel.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
