if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
