Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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