i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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