He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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