Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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