Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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