If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
