Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
