She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
