I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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