I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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