Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
