Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
