i need an iv and a liver transplant
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
