I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Houston, we have a blender
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
