Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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