At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
