thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
