the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
