Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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