When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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