Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
