Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
