I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize