I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize