Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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