Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize