Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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